What you can do to help a Victim part 3

Become Informed

Gather all the information you can about domestic violence.
Contact McHenryCountyTurningPoint.org.

Turning Point Programs not only offer women safety, but also provide advocacy, support, and other needed services.

Sometimes your own feelings about the violence may make it difficult for you to confront the situation. Talk toTurning Point's staff about your concerns. Battered women's advocates can be an excellent source of support for both you and your friend.

Help your friend recognize the abuse. Ask questions and talk about what is happening to her. Help your friend to see that what is happening is not normal and to see the signs of abuse. Tell her that it will probably get worse.

Lend A Sympathetic Ear

Letting your friend know that you care and are willing to listen may be the best help you can offer. Don't force the issue, but allow her to confide in you at her own pace. Keep your mind open and really listen to what she tells you. Never blame her for what's happening or underestimate her fear of potential danger.

Remember that your friend must make her own decisions about her life. Focus on supporting her right to make her own choices. Even if your friend breaks up with the abuser and goes back, listen. Support her strength. Eventually your friend will leave, especially with the support of friends.

Be non-judgmental. Try to see that your friend is confused because she is frightened by the violence, but wants the love or security from being with her partner.

If your friend wants to stay in the relationship, or goes back and forth about it, try not to tell her that she is wrong. Tell her that you are worried about her safety and self-respect.

Help your friend see that she is not to blame for the violence. Help your friend recognize the abuser's excuses for being violent (which blame the victim).

Guide Her to Community Services

When she asks for advice on what she should do, share the information you've gathered with her privately. Let her know she is not alone and that caring people are available to help her.

Encourage her to seek the assistance of battered women's advocates at Turning Point. Assure her that any information she shares with them will be kept strictly confidential.

Many battered women first seek the advice of marriage counselors, psychiatrists, or members of the clergy. Not all helping professionals, however, are fully aware of the special circumstances of abused women. If the first person she contacts is not helpful, she should be encouraged to find assistance elsewhere.

Focus on Her Strengths

Battered women live with emotional as well as physical abuse. Your friend is probably continually told by the abuser that she is a bad woman, a bad wife, and a bad mother.

Without positive reinforcement from outside the home, she may begin to believe she can't do anything right-that there is something wrong with her.

Give her the emotional support she needs to believe that she is a good person. Help her examine her strengths and skills. Emphasize that she deserves a life that is free from violence.

Be a Friend in Deed

Tell her you're there for her when she needs you. Provide whatever you can: transportation, child care, and financial assistance.

Confront Her With the Danger

At some point, you may find it difficult to be supportive of your friend if she remains in the violent relationship or returns to the abuser after a temporary separation. Let her know that not everyone lives with abuse.

Be willing to confront her with the physical and emotional harm that she and her children will suffer if she stays.

Help your friend face up to the dangerous reality of living with an abusive partner. Remind her that even a push or a shove can result in serious injury.

Help Her Develop A Safety Plan

Encourage your friend to develop a plan to protect herself and her children. Help her think through the steps she should take if her partner becomes abusive again. Make a list of people she can call in an emergency.

Suggest that she put together and hide a suitcase of clothing, personal items, money, social security cards, bank books, the children's birth certificates and school records, and other important documents.

If She Decides to Leave

The first safe place your friend should contact to help her examine her options is McHenryCountyTurningPoint.org. If she decides to leave, a shelter may be the safest place she can go.

The sad truth, however, is that not all communities have shelters or safe homes. Sometimes shelters don't have enough room for all the women and children who need their help. Your friend may need to rely on family or friends for temporary housing.

Be very careful when offering and providing safety in your home. The battered woman frequently faces the most physical danger when she attempts to flee. Be very discreet and talk to domestic violence program staff about the best way to handle this.

If your friend breaks up with the abuser, keep up the support. It takes a while to get over a relationship that is violent.

Keep in close contact through the times she feels lonely, or scared, or bad about herself. Your friend may feel like getting back together. She may miss the boyfriend or husband, or may not feel strong enough to resist the pressure to get back together.

When to Intervene

It cannot be overemphasized that domestic violence is a crime that can result in serious physical injury and even death. If you are a neighbor or otherwise know that a battering incident is occurring, call the police immediately.

Calling the police does not always mean the abuser will be put in jail. It is simply the most effective way to protect the woman and her children from immediate harm.

If you become frightened or frustrated, get support from other friends or family members. Remember: You can't rescue your friend. You can't neglect your own life to take care of her. But with support for yourself, you can calmly hang in there and support your friend as she goes through the ups and downs of dealing with the violence in her life.

Adapted from Helping the Battered Woman: A Guide for Family and Friends
The National Woman Abuse Prevention Project

For Your Safety

Erase internet Footprints - prevent abusers finding where you visit online.

Escape Site for a quick exit to google.com

1-800-892-8900 24 Hour McHenry County Crisis Line
1-800-799-SAFE National Crisis Hotline

To confront violence against women & children in McHenry County, IL